OCD: ”Every time I saw my sister and mum I was certain I was sexually attracted to them”
(approx five minute read)
X has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). His OCD manifests in sexual intrusive thoughts about being attracted to family members and his sexuality.
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The first intrusive thought I remember having was when I was about 14 - I couldn’t stop thinking about my 80-year-old grandmother naked.
She walked down the stairs and the thought popped into my head. For the next two days it was all I could think about, hundreds of times a day.
I was left with the horrible feeling of ‘there must been something wrong with me’, ‘I must be a bit fucked up’.
And that was the start, although I didn’t know it at the time, of my OCD..
I think there is a mental health stigma around OCD, it’s misunderstood because of how it’s presented in the media.
What is OCD?
Everyone thinks it’s about compulsive behaviour. Someone that labels all their jars, or has everything ordered in a certain way. That is a form of OCD, but the more common aspect of it is intrusive thoughts. Thoughts that come and then stay, hundreds, thousands of times a day, the same thing, over and over again. It’s like an extreme response to anxiety, or a form of fear.
That’s my OCD.
Right, back to my grandmother. After a few days the thought passed and there wasn’t another ‘incident’ until I was 19.
This next one is difficult to explain. And might be hard for people to read. It might even offend, that’s not my intention - I’m just sharing my story.
I don’t remember where I was or what I was doing, I just remember thinking I might be gay. That thought, from what I remember, had never crossed my mind before. And there was that fear again, a fear I might be gay.
Much like my grandmother the thought stuck, obsessively. For months. Every man I’d walk past I’d think over and over again whether I fancied them or not, if I was sexually attracted to them, or imagine myself having sex with them.
All of a sudden I was questioning everything I knew about myself. Until that point I was convinced of my sexuality. I’ll come back to this intrusive thought as it does return.
The next thought to cross my mind was a couple of years after university. This time it was thinking I fancied my mum or my sister. Fear again, surely I couldn’t fancy them.
Every time I saw them I’d leave imagining them naked or worried I was sexually attracted to them. It passed after a couple of days.
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I told my brother, which felt very uncomfortable. I was worried he would think I was a total fuck up. Thankfully, he’s always taken an interest in mental health and tried to help me un-pick it.
Much like the other periods of intrusive thoughts I’ve mentioned, these ended up passing.
However, some 15 years later and it’s the middle of the first Covid lockdown.
The homosexuality thought was back. I was locked in a flat, not able to socialise, not able to do my job.
It had become evident to me the intrusive thoughts were at their most powerful during periods of high stress or anxiety. I was very anxious and stressed during Covid.
It’s hard to describe what it feels like when a thought you find uncomfortable or disturbing won’t go away. It feels like your mind is on a treadmill and you can’t get off. There is no respite from it unless you’re completely immersed or distracted in a task, or asleep. It’s utterly horrible, stressful and exhausting.
How I discovered I had OCD
For five months this was what every day was like. I didn’t tell anyone until one day, feeling almost desperate, I Googled…I can’t stop thinking about being gay. I was so concerned I was going to live my life in this emotional discomfort.
OCD appeared as one of the first Google searches. What is that? I wondered. I phoned the London OCD clinic straightaway, talked them through what I’d been experiencing and within five minutes they said it’s almost certainly OCD.
I started OCD treatment. A mixture of talking therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy for OCD, and exposure therapy for OCD.
Unsure about going to therapy, read our story about myths of going to therapy, from a therapist.
The exposure therapy was intense. It consisted of recording myself on my phone saying I’m gay over and over and then playing it daily for three minutes. I looked at pictures of topless men on Google and celebrities I thought were attractive (Ryan Reynolds and Tom Harding), I watched men kissing on YouTube.
In theory the exposure would reduce my anxiety around the thought and fear which would mean I’d get less attached to it and it would become less intrusive. Which it did, eventually.
Now I want to explain why this thought is so difficult to talk about and reconcile. People reading this are probably thinking that I’m just wrestling with my sexuality.
They might think I’m homophobic, I’m not.
When I’ve told friends, particularly gay friends, it doesn’t always land well.
The reason why it’s been such a distressing experience is aside from the two occasions mentioned, my sexuality has never been something I’ve questioned. The whole situation made me doubt who I thought I was.
The saying “thoughts aren’t facts” has helped me decipher this whole experience.
Living with OCD
It’s likely, in times of stress, that my OCD symptoms will occur again. Might be the same thoughts, might be new ones. I do feel more prepared to manage them now.