Health anxiety: ‘I was convinced I’d die in my sleep’

(approx five minute read)

An innocuous fainting experience for X led to a decade of misunderstood anxiety that meant he struggled to leave the house, get through a tube journey without getting off - he even thought he was going to die. 

Image by freepik

I was 21, on the trip of a lifetime with my parents and brother: a bus tour from Vancouver to San Francisco. It was beautiful views and quiet hotels. 

Two weeks in we landed in Las Vegas. A massive night ensued.. 

The next morning my brother and I went down to the pool to sunbathe in 40-degree heat. Not sensible. 

An hour later he had fainted at the pool. A few hours later it was my turn to pass out while walking through a casino. I had to be wheel chaired back to my hotel room.

From what seemed like an innocuous fainting episode then led to a 10-year period of, at times, debilitating anxiety (read our article on Health Anxiety). Sometimes I couldn’t leave the house through fear of fainting. Sometimes I thought something was so physically wrong with me that I was going to die. 

From my early teens my mum was diagnosed with epilepsy which meant I saw her faint quite a lot. I think that subconsciously played into the fear of fainting.

So, what were my anxiety symptoms?

Firstly, it started with ‘hangxiety’. 

If I’d had one too many drinks, the next morning I woke convinced I was going to pass out. If I’d been drinking at the weekend I could ‘manage’ that by simply refusing to go outside - something I later learned was called agoraphobia. I’d spend all day in bed or on the sofa and would only consider going outside late in the evening when I thought I wouldn’t pass out’.

If it was mid-week ‘hangxiety’ then it wasn’t as simple. I’d go to work but train journeys saw me jump on and off a train if I felt the carriage was getting too full. This happened a lot.

While at work I’d hide in the toilet for prolonged periods of time, breathing deeply, trying to convince myself I wasn’t going to pass out. 

Then the fear of passing out started to creep into life, whether I’d had a drink or not. 

Train journeys continued to be a nightmare. I’d turn down going to festivals or sports events because of the crowds. 

I’d stopped playing sports because I’d worry if my heart rate got too high I’d faint. I’d usually exercise five days a week so to stop altogether had a massive impact on me, mentally and physically.

Then the anxiety spread to me being convinced there was something physically wrong with me. Health anxiety.

But not just fleeting feelings, it was relentless worry unless I was truly distracted or engrossed by something. Or asleep. 

Image by freepik

On more than one occasion I went to the doctor because I was convinced I’d found something wrong with me. 

I thought I had a lump on my neck and convinced myself it was cancer and I was dying.

Then I thought there was something wrong with my heart. My parents ended up paying to see a heart specialist so he could tell me there was nothing wrong.

In the days leading up to that appointment the only thing I could think of was that I could drop dead at any moment. 

Once I knew there was nothing wrong, the fears of death went away. The worries went away. I could live in the present again. For a few weeks, anyway.

Then the health anxiety came back. Not because there was anything wrong. Just because it did. 

Bed time was horrible. Just me and my thoughts. I’d lay awake for hours wondering if I was going to wake up in the morning, convinced I’d die in my sleep.

What was all this? Was I going mad? Was I the only one? I didn’t know what was happening to me.

Some three years into the whole thing, having never told anyone what was going on, it all got too much. 

I was out for lunch with my parents and brother, full of anxiety - for no real reason. At that moment it got too much, I broke down, sobbed, cried my eyes out at the dinner table.

It was at this point I opened up and shared how I was feeling. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. 

I’d spent too long trying to understand what on earth this was. For years I hadn’t clicked that it was anxiety, I simply thought there was something physically wrong with me. I’m not even sure I knew what anxiety was or had ever heard the term before.

I’d spent too long trying to manage this myself despite having incredibly supportive friends and family. 

After sharing the load things slowly started to improve – and if similar worries occurred I’d feel more comfortable sharing how I was feeling, which then eased the worry.

I’ve also had a load of therapy which has massively helped (unsure about going to therapy, read our article about the myths of going to therapy). 

The fear of passing out and health anxiety haven’t completely gone away, they probably never will, but they’re a much smaller part of my life now.  

While at times the discomfort of it has been unbearable, I feel blessed to have gone through the experience. It’s taught me to be compassionate and understanding about other people’s struggles, which is a priceless thing to learn.

I wouldn’t go back in time and change the experience I’ve had.

If you’ve got a story to tell email us at info@mensmentalfitness.com.