Adoption challenges: ‘I’m not sure I love my kids’

(approx five minute read)

18 months ago X, an adoptive father, adopted two boys with his partner. Sadly, the two boys have struggled to connect with him which has left him feeling left out, sad and rejected. Here he shares his deeply personal story of struggling to connect with his adopted children. 

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I’d been saving to be a parent for years. When I met my partner - and now husband - I knew I’d found my person to start the journey to adoption (more info about adoption on Government website).

You have to really want to adopt because the adoption process is long, thorough, and often emotionally challenging.

And quite rightly, these kids have often been through lots of trauma even at an early stage in their lives. 

The process can take a couple of years, financial records, psychological assessments. You name it, we’ve been through it.

Then we got the news that we'd been matched with two brothers, three and five years old. Ahahahahahahah. It’s hard to explain how that felt. Fucking terrifying. Fucking exciting. Fucking fuck. We were becoming adoptive parents. 

Over a couple of weeks we met the boys on neutral ground a number of times. Then it was time to take them home. 

I won’t share details of the boy's early life but suffice to say they’d been through some unthinkably terrible things that no one should ever experience. That was, of course, going to make things more challenging.

My partner and I started the journey with so much energy, giving every day everything we could. Giving the boys boundaries, love and fun. Supported by our child psychologists who effectively coached us to become parents. 

Sadly, 18 months on as an adoptive father, I feel like a worn-down version of myself, struggling with post-adoption depression and not the parent I aspire to be.

Why? Because the boys have never really connected with me in the way they connect with my husband. There has been progress with one of the boys in recent months. The other boy, I’m not sure he’d care if I got run over by a bus. Seriously. 

We’ve wondered why. I’m more reserved, empathetic, risk averse, than my husband. He just wants to wake up and have fun with the kids. Clearly they find that an easier style to connect with. 

I get ignored. I get told to go away. I get told they don’t love me. I get told they prefer daddy. I get excluded from family pictures drawn at school.

I can’t explain to you how sad it makes me feel. It honestly feels like I’m being skewered with barbed wire, daily. I just don’t feel part of the family.

I’m going to say some brutally honest, perhaps shocking things, now.

If you put a gun to my head and said do you love your kids, I’m not sure I’d say yes. Do I care about them? Yes. But if someone called me and said I’m really sorry they have to go back to their family, I’m not sure I’d put up a fight. I’d be sad but I think I’d move on quite quickly. My husband would feel differently I know, but he’s had a completely different experience to me. 

It puts a lot of pressure on our relationship too. The joy that was us just isn’t there at the moment. 

The emotional toll of adoption has severely impacted my physical health, nearly pushing me to a full mental breakdown—a struggle many adoptive parents face.

Over Christmas we were at my husband’s parents’ house. The boys were so tricky for a few days I decided to have a few drinks to manage it on Boxing Day. I woke up the next day with hangxiety. I felt so anxious, so suffocated, I just had to get out. There were no trains working that day so I spent £100 on an Uber to get home, all so I could have one day on my own to try and decompress. I felt a bit better but it was no way long enough.

I’ve started therapy again to try and manage it. Which is helping. 

We’ve also got a dog. 

The problem is, that’s only highlighted the lack of love the boys have for me while the dog’s love is unconditional. Now I’m racked with guilt because I think I love my dog more.

I’m never going to stop trying with the boys or give up on them. When we matched with them that was a promise we made - and there’s no chance we/I won’t stick to it. 

I really want to finish this story on a positive, to share a glimmer of hope. But right now I can’t see light at the end of the tunnel.