How to build resilient children: five practical tips for parents
(approx five minute read)
Discover five expert-backed strategies to help your children develop emotional resilience and cope with life's challenges.
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“I’m a Play Therapist working with children and young people, but every day I wrestle with how to help my own kids become more resilient.”
Please note in this article our expert has asked to remain anonymous for the sake of the anonymity of the children he works with. But trust us when we say this guy knows his stuff.
Even the professionals find it hard, then. Comforting?
The concept of resilience in children is taking on even more importance among parents. The internet is awash with stats and facts about the rise in mental health issues among younger people. There’s even a book called the Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt which has hit the headlines recently.
So where to start.
What is resilience?
Firstly, a quick definition from the NHS: ‘The word ‘resilience’ refers to our bounce-back ability in the face of difficulty or challenges. Resilience is the ability to adapt and grow following adversity.’
Our expert summarises quite beautifully how you can build resilience in your kid(s).
“The nicest and perhaps most useful way I’ve heard it put is this…when your child is really young, after a while you start to recognise and understand what certain cries mean,” he says.
“There’s the hungry cry, the distressed cry and then there’s a cry called the grizzly cry. This is the cry that isn't as heightened or noteworthy as those other cries. It’s one you will react to, but perhaps not quite as quickly, just to see if the child settles or stops crying.
“I apply this analogy to how I parent my children, if they sound grizzly, I wait a little longer before I react. It’s not an exact science but quite a high profile psychotherapist and psychoanalyst said it to me once. My kids are no longer babies, but the theory has really stuck.”
Studies on child resilience and mental health
The impact of not developing resilience at a young age could be profound.
A review of 25 studies on resilience revealed unanimously that higher levels of resilience are related to fewer mental health problems in children and adolescents.
Five ways to build resilience in kids, according to our expert
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1. Give unconditional love
“Unconditional love is loving someone without imposing any conditions on giving them this love, having no expectation of ‘repayment’, having no agenda,” explains our expert.
“If you’re applying conditions to love, ie. ‘I’ll love you more if you do this thing’, this will cause problems as they get older. Very early in life it will degrade the child’s sense of self-worth.
“They’ll start to think I’m only worth loving if I do this thing. This will no doubt continue into adult life. In future relationships - platonic or romantic - internally and perhaps subconsciously, they’ll question whether they deserve the love they’re receiving.
“If this isn’t resolved it could lead to being in a dysfunctional relationship or staying in relationships for too long. And, as the science explains above, mental health issues like anxiety or depression.”
2. Notice your child(ren)
“Sounds obvious, but with so many distractions for parents - like our phones and countless chores to do - it’s not always done,” says our expert.
“The more we notice, and the more specific we are with our praise, the more a child’s sense of self grows.
“Rather than saying things like….’that’s nice darling,’ be specific about it. ‘You’ve tried really hard on the spikes of my hair in that drawing, and now they look just like mine’, or ‘When you played that great pass to Derek down the right wing in the first half’.
“As adults, we underestimate how much kids take in. From extremely early on, they see and know when you’re not noticing. As you are a vital caregiver in their life, your voiced perceptions of them have an enormous impact on how they come to see themselves in the world.
“If you regularly don’t notice, they’ll tell themselves they don’t deserve your affection. This will subtly impact their sense of self worth and therefore their ability to be resilient throughout their life.”
3. Put your phone away
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“If they see you on it all the time (you’re probably reading this on your phone) it will also send a message to your child that they’re not worthy of your time or attention. It’s not always possible to put it away but try and have periods when you’re with them that they don’t see you on it,” suggests our expert.
4. Give bursts of attention
“Dr Garry Landreth, professor and author of several therapeutic books focused on building relationships with children, talks about the idea of bursts of attention with your children,” explains our expert.
“Life is busy. Parents working long hours. It is not realistic to, especially during the week, schedule long periods of play with your child(ren).
“If your child comes to show you something, a 10 second answer can go a very long way, eg. “Wow. You wanted to draw a bus and you've done it. I can see the wheels and windows so clearly.” This approach will build a child’s sense of self-worth and positively impact their mental health in the future.”
5. Don’t jump in too quickly
“This goes back to the grizzly analogy I referenced earlier,” says our expert.
“Assess when something really does feel like you need to step in. Don’t be a helicopter parent, don’t mollycoddle. Give your child(ren) space to make their own mistakes - as long as they’re not too severe.”
Emerging scientific studies backup our expert's point. There’s evidence to suggest overprotective and controlling parenting may have negative implications on a child's mental health such as anxiety and depression.
A final piece of advice from this professional: “Reading this might be difficult for some parents as it may lead to some reflection of their own upbringing. Talk to your GP, a friend or a charity like Mind if this has brought up any uncomfortable feelings,” he says.