Emotional challenges of parenthood: “I’ve definitely had thoughts of wishing I’d not become a parent”

(approx 5 minute read)

Apparently 75% of the time you’ll ever get to spend with your kids is over by the time they turn 12. Men’s Mental Fitness talks to two dads whose first kids have just reached that age about the stress of being a dad and the emotional challenges of parenthood.

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Dad number one

“I’m not surprised, although I’m a little horrified,” said Tom Andrew, 37, about the statistic.

“Our son has just turned 12 and gone off to secondary school, he still isn’t old enough to look after himself. 

“We spend a huge amount of time together as a family, but things are already starting to change.  

“It was his school fair a few weeks ago. He’d arranged via Whatsapp to meet all his friends there. We arrived and straight away he disappeared. A few hours went by and we saw him in the distance a couple of times, fleetingly. Then it was time to go home.

“I felt two things. One, pride, because when we saw him he wasn’t misbehaving or being a little wanker. I’m not sure what the second emotion was, a tinge of sadness perhaps. ‘We’ll never get this time back’, I thought. Our little family bubble is already starting to burst. 

“I was young when he was born and over the years have found parenting quite overwhelming. I’m not ashamed to admit there have been times where I had thoughts of not wanting to be a parent and wanting time away from my children. I also envisaged the day he’s more independent and I can have some more time to myself, or with my wife.

“But at that moment I was just thinking about ways I could keep our bubble together for longer.

“Parenting is a real head fuck. A constant array of emotions, overwhelming happiness, sometimes sadness, confusion, anger and plenty of guilt. 

“I’ve often looked at other parents and they’ve seemed so present with their kids. I’ve always been in this constant mental battle of wanting to do what I want to do and knowing my future time with the kids is lessening. I can be a selfish dad.

“We watch videos of him when he was five and I can’t remember most of them. I worry I don’t remember them because I wasn't present. Was I enjoying those times? I hope so. 

“If I could go back in time I would do everything I could to have been more present. And if I could have a conversation with my younger self, I’d say ‘look mate, you just need to cherish these moments’. 

“I have given myself a hard time about not being mentally present over the years, but as I’ve got older I’ve tried to be kinder. 

“I do think I’ve been a good parent. I’ve been physically present a huge amount and we have a great relationship.

“Yes, I’ll be spending less time with him but I feel like I’ll know when we are spending time together it’s because he wants to, not because he has to.”  

Dad number two

“75% is a massive number,” said Jack Harris, 41. “Hearing that, it’s hard not to look back and reflect and think, did I do a good job?

“There is definitely a sense of I wish I’d done more, especially when my son was younger. I’m a teacher so I would be with him for six weeks in the summer. I remember almost not looking forward to it. A mix of it being just bloody hard work but also being resentful that I couldn’t have more of that time to myself. 

“I do feel guilty when I reflect on how I felt. 

“I’m sure when he has left home that I’ll look back on those summer holidays and wish I could get one more trip to the park with him.

“I was 26 when my son was born. I felt young and under prepared for fatherhood - it was a whirlwind. 

“Now sometimes I watch videos of him when he was three or four and I do think, that child is gone, I’ll never see that child again. I find that tough.

“However, as he’s got older I’ve been able to enjoy parenting more and become less unkind to myself about how I’m doing at it. I also take more time to think about the positive moments I’ve had with him, had with my family - and where I think I’ve been a good parent. 

“I don’t get everything right, sometimes I’m too hard on him and try to do too much fixing rather than just listening, but we spend a lot of quality time together. Film night every Friday, which I know he loves, football in the garden, deep chats in the car, Playstation together.

“Have I done my job as well as I could have done so far? Have I been the right kind of parent? I think I’ve done alright. 

“He seems quite a content kid, is happy in his own company but also has a lot of friends. He has already been away on two school trips. I was too anxious to be away from my parents at that age - it makes me proud he’s not.

“As for the 75%, I see that as time to prepare him for adult life. Who knows if we have given him the tools for it. Of course I’ll miss him, in some ways I already do, but I’m ready for him to grow up.

“How I’ll view the 25% will be completely dependent on how he is in that percentage. If he’s happy, I’ll be happy. If he’s not, then it’s unlikely I’ll be. 

“I imagine it will be a mix of both.”